Well I hit another milestone today! Congrats! Word count is 61,941.
It feels hard won, but also paltry over all this time. I haven’t been posting, and I must turn things around!
Febuary was pretty much lost in work. I’ve never worked more than 40 hour weeks, and whenever i hit the 40th hour I can feel my brain become a little dumber with each passing minute. Well it turns out that when I hit 50 I have brainpower and cleverness equivalent to your average zombie. I’m not really complaining, yeah, working long weeks sucks, but it happens at every business once in a great while. The biggest thing I learned was that I personally am not worth much after that point. So if I’m planning to make up the work in overtime… well that’s probably not a very good plan, then.
Most of March was also lost to work. What time I spent not at work, I spent either vegetating, pissed off, or recovering frantically from all the time not spent at home. I know some people work 60, 80 hour weeks. I seriously do not know how they do it. I barely had time to eat and sleep when I was cracking 55. Maybe I just need to be more efficient!
So of course for these two months both my writing and health goals have suffered. However, at least in the writing realm, I’ve been proud that I’ve kept on plodding along, slowly but surely. Myweekly schedule allowed me to say, today I should be writing. Sometimes I’d muster the energy, sometimes I wouldn’t, but I didn’t look up and 3 months had gone by and I’d forgotten about what was going on in my novel. Every day or so I’d remember I needed to get back to the grind stone, and every week or so, I’d get a little more down, a few more words onto my meager wordcount.
This month work has gotten worse. In my work in Feb and March, I appreciated a lot what I was doing, it was meaningful, but now that project is over and this one is not so much… I also discovered a few things about my coworkers and company that have changed my way of thinking about them, unfortunately.
It sucks feel depressed all day, but there’s a part of me that’s kind of happy about it. When I first took this job a few years ago, I was miserable at my job, feeling horrible about myself as a result, and writing for several hours a day…. As I started this job and rediscovered joy in my work and self confidence and happiness, I also felt my devotion to my writing fade. The second day at this job I felt a deep and strange despair at how wonderful it was. Because I knew it would sweep me up, I knew it would steal my heart away, but it still wouldn’t take me where I needed to go in the end, or where I wanted to be.
I saw J. K. Rowling’s lecture to a Harvard graduating class the other day and she talked about the side benefits of failure. I know exactly what she means. Except that where she hit rock bottom and had to make a tough choice…. I didn’t quite. Some thing steered me another way and you could say rescued me. But sometimes I feel like the fortune of my path was misfortune in another light. I was fortunate to find another job I could be happy with, but it took me that much further from my dreams and what really mattered….
Today, I wouldn’t change anything. I’ve had so much more to learn about life and people and confidence and myself; I know so much more about life to write about that I wouldn’t change the past if I could. But I keep all this in mind when the day is hard and miserable and painful… I just tell myself that perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise, urging me back to my true path, the hard path, the one I’m 60K words into. ;-]
And the best news of it all? I didn’t have time to get my 50K reward, so… TWO REWARDS AT ONCE! =) Now I still gotta find time for that facial….
Happy writing to you all, and just the right amount of failure!